


Falling Is a Three-Step Process

by JennaCupcakes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, musings of a dying angel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-31
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-29 06:23:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5118467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennaCupcakes/pseuds/JennaCupcakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel is trying to figure out how to be less of an angel. It's a thing of trial and error, really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling Is a Three-Step Process

_“Harmony is apolitical. No communication is necessary, and no influence need be exercised. Cooperation, by contrast, is highly political […].“  
_ -Robert O. Keohane

 

* * *

 

There are sirens wailing in the distance, but apart from that it’s calm. The silence frightens Gabriel. Earth is so, so quiet.

They don’t teach you about harmony in heaven, he thinks. Harmony is the unquestioned consensus, harmony doesn’t need explaining because everyone has the same goals and works towards the same purpose. Heaven fills you with so much intent it’s more than a bit scary, and then releases you onto a world that is no match for your power. 

He thinks that harmony is actually very frightening. 

So heaven and hell scheduled the apocalypse for this age, most certainly this century, probably this decade. With what how Michael’s fuming these days, it might well be next week, but Gabriel makes a point not to check up on them all too often. It makes him feel guilty for neglecting them, makes it all-too-easy to fall back into heavenly heuristics and ways of thinking he thought he left behind. Sometimes he hangs around the Winchesters for second-hand news but when he does that, he has to face Castiel. That doesn’t sit well with him. 

Right now, his little brother is off somewhere doing his not-so-heavenly business - _oh,_ Gabriel knows an angel falling when he sees them - and Gabriel is hiding in the motel room adjacent to the Winchesters. They’re well-protected, they know their spells, but motel walls are thin and Gabriel has good ears. His head rests against the headboard, and the voices carry through the wall. He has his eyes closed. 

“…can’t hide forever. One day we won’t be so lucky.“

That’s Dean, the overprotective older brother Gabriel thinks he should have been sometimes. Could have been, maybe. Dean worries about everything and everyone except himself where Gabriel cares about himself too much.  

“So you’re saying we can’t postpone the inevitable?“ 

“Don’t say it like that“  

Dean gets defensive at Sam’s question. It’s one insinuation too close to the fact that _the inevitable_ for Sam Winchester is having his body taken over by none other than Lucifer himself. Gabriel’s fist clenches at that, too, though he doesn’t admit it to himself. He is just here to gather intel. He doesn’t pick sides: he was an angel once, and angels don’t have agendas for themselves. He was also a pagan God, and those don’t have agendas _besides_ themselves. The only consensus Gabriel acts upon these days is his own.  

The sirens pick up again, and Gabriel almost misses the next part. 

“Dean, if you really meant what you said to Castiel, you have to fight for it. We can’t be Team Free Will if we’re not willing to risk anything for it. That’s not exercising our free will, that’s just coasting.“ 

“Sam, I…“ Dean is struggling with the words his brother is throwing back at him. “Look, I… I don’t have a battle plan. There’s no script here, I’m making this up as I go.“ 

“Cas needs us to have a plan. Cas needs _you_ to have a plan.“

“Cas can take care of himself.“ 

Dean sounds so sure of that, so utterly convinced, that Gabriel almost snaps himself over into the other room then and there to tell him otherwise. Castiel is an _angel_ , he wants to tell them, and angels don’t know how to think for themselves. Angels are the world’s best soldiers, and Gabriel isn’t sure he couldn’t yet lead them into battle given the right incentives. The pull to obey orders, to follow the herd… it’s more than just obedience. It’s a force of nature. 

Really, it’s the ultimate fail-safe: everybody has the same end-game, no one gets hurt in the process. Except for the poor few bastards God put on earth before he skipped town, Gabriel thinks. They’ll get chewed up in the process. Fireworks for heaven’s show of the century. The perversion of it all is that both Michael and Lucifer _want_ this. This fight is _their_ end-game, and it’s less about antagonisms harbored since Lucifer’s fall and more about just finally getting around to that part in the script. The world’s worst reality show.   

Gabriel doesn’t need a look at the script to see where he fits. Should fit. Would have fit, once upon a time.  

Loki doesn’t have a place in this apocalypse, or so he hopes.  

He leaves the motel behind when he senses Castiel returning. His younger brother is worn out, and Gabriel can’t help him. It’s not part of his design.  

— 

The road is wide and empty, and Gabriel wonders why heaven doesn’t teach you about questions. 

The Winchesters have been on the road for several days now, sans Castiel, and they haven’t spoken more than two sentences during that time. It’s beginning to freak Gabriel the fuck out, and he’s used to unspoken consent between beings who have known each other since they came into being. Sam and Dean don’t do nice and consenting. They’re opposing ends of a spectrum on a permanent confrontation course, complimentary halves but rarely ever of one opinion.  

They’re somewhere up north, and the weather is getting colder while the roads are getting worse. Christmas cheer, Gabriel thinks ironically, except nothing’s ever lived up to the real thing, and all the parties kind of lose their thing when you’ve been there for the original.  

He’s deep, deep down the rabbit hole of miserable thoughts when Castiel shows up. 

They’re at a road stop with not a soul around except a cashier who looks half asleep and half dead inside the service station, but outside it’s too cold for people to linger long. Sam is standing next to the Impala, rubbing his hands and stretching his legs while Dean is headed inside to pay the gas. Gabriel lingers, invisible and not sure what he is doing. 

Ever since their last confrontation - a warehouse, Gabriel trapped in a circle of holy fire, definitely not his best moment - he’s been wondering why he bothers so much with those two. It’s not like he sees any hope to defeat Michael’s and Lucifer’s plan for them. They won’t know what hit them as soon as they assume their roles, it’ll be like they’ve always wanted it. Gabriel knows what he’s talking about. He knows the force of heavenly harmony. 

Sam is just leaning forward to fix his shoelace when with a flutter of wings - that of course Sam couldn’t have heard - Cas materializes in the parking lot. Sam jumps when he sees him. Gabriel just steps a little further out of sight, but remains within earshot.  

“I thought I…“ 

Castiel cocks his head, and Gabriel realizes Cas can still sense him, even with the tattered remnants of his grace, he has the feeling that something powerful is hiding here. Gabriel sinks himself further into the pagan magic that cloaks him. Good thing he learnt to compartmentalize early on. 

The worried look on Castiel’s face softens, but he remains wary even as he gives Sam a reassuring nod. “It is probably nothing. I thought I felt a powerful presence close to you, but maybe I am beginning to ‚see ghosts‘ as you say. Where is Dean?“ 

“He’s inside.“ Sam points towards the service station. “Where have you been?“ 

“Looking for allies, calling in favors.“ 

He doesn’t elaborate, and both Sam and Gabriel wonder who he means by that. Down here, Gabriel muses, existence is a question mark at an uncaring sky. He’d always wondered why humans talk about Up There as more than just a figure of speech, why they point towards the sky as if God would manifest himself in any tangible place. Now he thinks he understands a bit better: space is cold and empty and uncaring. That sounds a lot like heaven to him these days. 

“Come with us for the week,“ Sam suggests, “You look exhausted, Cas, you need some rest.“ 

The jingle of a bell announces that Dean has left the service station. Cas does indeed look weary, and his shoulders sag a little bit. Gabriel wants to give his brother a nudge. Just this once, he thinks, allow yourself that.  

“Alright.“ 

Cas gets in the car with them and they drive away, and Gabriel wonders if God created Castiel as the question to the other angels’ unquestioning obedience. 

— 

The conference at Elysian Fields is the biggest farce ever since Christianity brought the party into town in continental Europe. Gabriel can’t remember the last time he’s seen so many pagan Gods in one spot being so angry, and it makes him laugh - he loves these beings, a lot of them were his friends once, too, but they don’t stand a chance against his big brothers.  

And yes, this is about arrogance: he doesn’t think these pagans are weaker, but he knows that reality is a fragile thing and he knows what happened last time Michael and Lucifer went head-to-head. This time, a confrontation will do more than just rattle a few teeth.  

He goes into the motel believing this is just a nice pagan party trick. When Kali stabs him, he realizes they mean business. 

Unfortunately, Sam and Dean get trapped there first. 

It’s annoying, he thinks, to constantly walk around with the only two humans in the universe who have Michael and Lucifer on speed dial. It makes for a very unnerving time when you come up against a few pagans who think they can defeat Lucifer by throwing Sam Winchester at him and then having a go with their pagan magic.  

“You can’t be serious about this.“ 

Him and Kali have been known to have these backroom conversations, except they would deny them at once if anybody asked. They both know they can match in strength, and don’t ask for the cost should they ever try to outsmart each other. It pays not to hold grudges in this business. 

“We didn’t start this, Gabriel.“ 

Kali has always had a determined kind of patience, the sort that wears down anything if you just give it enough time. Gabriel looks into her eyes and sees cliff-faces crumbling. She is so beautiful. 

“No, but you don’t have to get involved. Keep a low profile, maybe you’ll get to enjoy the rest of existence before my brothers blow it all to shreds because they didn’t take family counseling seriously.“ 

Kali doesn’t do him the favor of replying to his quips. His carefully constructed verbals shells don’t work on her, she always saw right through him. 

“What, because your policy of non-involvement kept you out of trouble so successfully?“ She looks him up and down like she can’t quite believe what he has become, and Gabriel is suddenly self-conscious. “With the way you’re looking these days—“ 

She leaves the sentence unfinished, and Gabriel thinks it’s almost worse than actually hearing her say whatever she was about to say. He’s been keeping out of trouble, only gathering the information he needs to stay alive.  

Then why is he here? 

“Kali, please…“ 

“Look, Gabriel, I don’t want to hear it. I know you won’t fight Lucifer out of whatever misplaced affection you still have for him, but I’m asking you to not stand in our way. I’ll pull this motel down on us with Lucifer inside of it whether you approve or not. You _know_ I can take him on.“  

When Gabriel looks into her eyes, he almost believes her. Maybe she can take out Lucifer, but that still leaves them with Michael. He doesn’t like their chances. 

He steps forward, takes her hands into his. They feel cold - always did, Gabriel remembers, like something out from the depths of space - but he knows not to look for warmth or sympathy in her. That was never what this was about. 

“You never understood us angels, did you?“ 

“You were not exactly a good model for studying purposes,“ she replies with a small smile.  

“Oh, please.“ It constricts Gabriel’s throat. There is a reason he had to build himself an entirely new pagan personality just to escape heaven. “This free will business, it’s… hard for us. We don’t work well outside the consensus of heavenly order.“ 

“So you’re just following orders?“ Kali raises an eyebrow. “Last I heard that was a coward’s excuse for not being able to tell right from wrong.“ 

She doesn’t have any moral high ground here, Gabriel thinks, she doesn’t know how it feels. But he also knows she is right, in a way. 

“It’s more than orders. It’s wanting unity so much it almost kills you to think about anything else. It’s the really scary thing that happens when the beings who are in power can actually agree on something, without deliberating first, and then act on it. You wouldn’t understand it, it’s not something you pagans or any of the humans could ever begin to grasp.“ 

“A hive-mind gone haywire.“ Kali’s face is set. “Tell me, how long has it been since your father disappeared?“ 

Gabriel doesn’t answer that. He lets go of her hands and turns, and Kali doesn’t try to reel him back in. They stay like this for a moment.  

“If you bring Lucifer here, I _will_ follow him,“ Gabriel admits. “I don’t think I know how to do anything else.“  

“Then do me a favor.“ 

Kali’s hands are a steady weight on his shoulders, and he can’t help but sway back into the touch a little. She is close enough for him to feel her breath tingle on his neck. 

“Don’t get in my way when I kill him.“ 

— 

It’s close to midnight, and Gabriel wonders why heaven doesn’t teach you about cooperation. 

He is indecisive. 

Sam and Dean will die without him interfering, Gabriel knows that, and they might well die _with_ him interfering, but maybe he’ll at least save Kali. Despite all her strength, he doesn’t believe she can take on his brother.   

Kali’s words echo in his mind - _don’t get in my way when I kill him_ \- and he wonders if he simply won’t take the risk that she might kill his brother. If he interferes, they will never find out, Gabriel is sure of that, and Lucifer will walk out of this motel with nothing more than a few scratches. But if Kali can’t take him on, then there’s a chance than Lucifer will walk out of this motel with his vessel in his possession, and then it’s over.  

Gabriel is shit at this. 

So his options are letting Lucifer walk away from this but saving Kali and maybe the Winchesters, or saving his own ass and hoping that Kali can defeat Lucifer, or waiting for her to get her ass kicked and watching the end of the world from somewhere really far away.  

Or _he_ could take on Lucifer.  

The thought comes unbidden, but maybe with Kali’s help— 

He feels it like ice in the pit of his stomach, and his thoughts come to an abrupt halt. The pagans got what they wanted. Lucifer is here. 

The first screams come only seconds later, and then it’s carnage and Gabriel is helpless hiding in the parking lot. He loves these Gods, he tells himself, but there’s nothing he can do to save them. 

Screw this.  

Heaven never taught him about watching injustice and resenting it so much it burns him, down to the tips of his wings that are too bright for this world. Resentment is not new to him, it was much of what fueled him as a pagan God, but in an angel it’s terrifying. It goes against every fiber of his being.  

It’s the only thing he wants to feel right now. 

The hallways are painted with blood, but he barely sees it. He knows where Lucifer is, can feel his charred grace resonating cold like a dead star, and knows this is the only place for him to be right now. 

He slams the doors open, drags Lucifer away from Kali, helps her get up.  

One look.  

They don’t need more, never needed much between them. One look is all it takes for him to know that Kali is in no state to take on Lucifer a second time even with him at her side, he blew his chance, and then he accepts his fate. Kali must see it in his eyes, which Gabriel avoids now.  

“Please, take her out of here,“ he says to the two brothers who are still staring at him. Maybe they never realized what an archangel can do, maybe they took Castiel’s sad and failing power as the ultimate benchmark for angel mojo. If they stayed, they’d be in for a show, but Gabriel won’t let them. 

He already knows how this will end now.  

He wants to ask them to take care of Castiel, to take care of each other, to not screw this up, and he resents that they’re the only chance the world still has at saving. But they’ll have to figure that out themselves, Gabriel spent enough time messing with them, and if the lesson hasn’t taken on now, it will never stick.  

“Loki—“ 

Kali calls to him now, uses the name he gave her when they first met. He keeps his eyes stubbornly fixed on Lucifer, watches his brother’s mouth snarl in disgust. 

“Go,“ he says. She knows as well as him that they never stood a chance at this separately. They only ever had a shot together. Kali, like him, would have preferred to go out with a bang, and maybe it’s patronizing that he won’t let her, but she’s a last piece of beauty in this damned world and all the good he had for a long while. He thinks he owes her a chance at life, even if it rests on the shoulders of the Winchesters.  

The door shuts behind them, Gabriel having moved so that he has his back to it and his eyes on Lucifer, who is still looking at Gabriel with open disgust. 

In the end, it comes down to this: two angels, one blade and a betrayal.  

They don’t teach you about cooperation, Gabriel thinks, because it’s dangerous. Everybody leaves the table with less than they could have had, less than they should have had for the chance at something greater, and quite often that fails, too. He can’t bring himself to believe in the Winchesters, no matter how hard he tries, not when his own blade in his brother’s hands is the only reality he knows now.  

Lucifer’s eyes are dark, and Gabriel can’t see anything in them. 

“I thought I knew you,“ Lucifer says. _So did I_ , Gabriel wants to say, but there’s no way to make his brother understand what he thinks he knows now, that sometimes it’s not the great plan that’s the most important, but the hand extended towards someone else, an attempt at making something better out of the cards you were dealt. He can’t put it together anymore, his thoughts are a garbled mess of half-finished sentences. 

He tries to picture Kali’s face.  

He tries— 

He tries.

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I can only describe as a blast from the past that came to me during my reading on international politics. What can I say, Gabriel has always been close to my heart.
> 
> If you feel like leaving feedback, I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm trying to write more despite my university workload, and comments really help me figuring out what I did right and what I can improve.
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr at veganthranduil.


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